Here’s a perfect example of why I don’t really give a shit about remakes, even ones that violently sodomize their source material. Aint-It-Cool-News mentioned earlier this evening that Will Smith, who’s kind of like King Midas’ retarded thespian twin brother (everything he touches turns to shit), will potentially star in a re-make of Chan-wook Park’s incredible revenge-opus Oldboy.

This movie will be shit. No, seriously. Utter and complete shit. And there’s one singular reason why.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Nobody will accept a Will Smith movie in which he fucks his own daughter. Ain’t gonna happen. Or a movie where he fucks his own daughter and then cuts out his own tongue. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’d take back every bad thing I’ve ever said about Will Smith if he did this movie right. But he won’t. Hollywood wouldn’t let it happen. Ever.

EVER.

So…to hell with this movie. To hell with the THOUGHT of this movie. The original is a perfect little gem. A remake, no matter how shitty and dumbed down, will not change that fact. There will undoubtedly be a legion of clueless filmgoers who will drop their $10 and watch Will Smith spend 2 hours beating people up with claw hammers before skipping merrily off into the sunset, tongue intact and daughter un-fucked. To which I say: enjoy, suckers.

Oh - and Spielberg is involved, so double everything I said above.

The good news: Akira Kurosawa’s final script, a film based on Poe’s short story “The Masque of the Red Death” but set in Russia, will be getting the anime treatment in 2010. Kurosawa was working on getting the script produced when he died in 1998, but it was shelved after he passed away.

The bad news: Hollywood is planning a remake of Rashomon. What the fuck? How do you remake perfection?

To wrap it up: Kurosawa goes anime, Hollywood screws up a great story AGAIN. Seriously, are you even surprised anymore?

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